Through out my pregnancy I was aware that how I was feeling was different. I tried on my own to "figure out" why, but I wasn't really letting myself feel my feelings. I pushed everything down, and convinced myself I was fine. Every so often I would tell Drew, "something is wrong", or "something isn't right". At first I thought that there was something wrong with the baby and that my body knew, so it was giving me sadness vibes. I also thought the tech did our gender scan wrong and that we were planning for a girl only to waste all of our money on said girl but then birth a boy. I tried so hard to validate why I was feeling the way I was. At my 20 week appointment, I was out of ideas and had to tell someone. God forbid I share my emotions with a human who knows me, though. I sat on the exam table in my OB's office, with the midwife in front of me; turned away, removing her gloves and washing her hands. "How is everything else? How are YOU?" I began to sob, uncontrollably. I wasn't sure why and now I had to talk, no one cries like that and just leaves. "Something is wrong", squeezed out of my mouth, unwillingly. She very calmly turned, sat in front of me and asked me what I meant. I explained that I really had no idea what I meant. It was my second pregnancy and I didn't feel anything like the first; I described it to her as "detached". She went through the list of required questions about hurting myself, the baby, or those around me but that wasn't at ALL the case. She explained that my life was different this go around. That I was doing such a great job providing and caring for my family, chasing a toddler and I was just distracted by my life outwardly, making it difficult to focus inward on my pregnancy. She prescribed relaxation, alone time and slowing down.
I felt so silly. I knew those things, why did I even tell her? Why couldn't I be as strong as every other mom out there with more than one child? Why was I being such a baby? Having a toddler and being pregnant isn't the end of the world, quit acting like it!
So for the remainder of my pregnancy I did all the things. I reminded myself to touch and rub my belly. I remembered that I used to sing and read to Savannah in the womb, so I tried to do those things with this baby. I talked about names with other people and cracked pregnancy jokes. I let strangers open doors for me and let my co-workers lift the boxes. I felt so silly. I felt silly touching my own stomach as if I was being motherly to the child inside of me, because I certainly didn't feel motherly. I felt embarrassed when I tried to show excitement about my baby, because the people standing in front of me were genuinely excited, I thought they would see right through me.
I felt like a fraud. I told myself, "just get trough these last weeks, and when your baby is here everything will be better."
[come back tomorrow for Evelyn's birth story]